So, this past week I have had some interesting encounters and I wanted to share a concept with you.
Does that make sense to you at all?
If not, fear not…
Often times, we speak first and think later. Whilst the word sorry is great for back pedalling our way out of first having put our foot in our mouths, it doesn’t always cut it and your words can come back to haunt you in more ways than one.
So how can we combat the foot in mouth problem to start with?
Well, here’s my process for thinking before speaking:
- First, don’t react right away
- Take a deep breath
- Then, sit back and with a cool, calm head on those shoulders of yours, ask yourself, how what was just said or done made you feel
- Then ask yourself, why it made you feel that way. The reason for this is, because sometimes when emotions arise it’s actually past emotions which are surfacing from whatever is taking place and it’s not the present that is causing you the real upset
Let me give you an example..
Jess was looking forward to seeing Dan on Monday night having planned this over a week ago. Dan tells Jess that his plans are running on and he’s going to be late. (By the way, Dan is never able to keep to the times arranged). Jess then feels devalued and taken for granted because she is now waiting around for Dan, yet again. Jess then reacts by saying, that she’s disappointed that their time will be cut short again after very much looking forward to seeing him. Dan then replies instantly with I’m busy, let’s just cancel tonight.
** Men don’t like to feel like they are letting you down and moreover, they don’t like to be nagged. Women on the other hand, like good manners and to feel appreciated and valued. **
The obvious response by most, is to react and play the blame game. However, despite Dan’s continued lateness for dates, Jess still sticks around having come to understand that this is his pattern.
So therefore, what Jess can’t do, is take out her real frustrations on Dan, because Jess has issues about people being late and this hurts her at the core. So what she must do here, is first explain to Dan that she understands he has business meetings which can run over and that she was hoping to get to spend some quality time together. She can also say that she is feeling a little hurt by his continued lateness for dates and as a result takes this quite personally as she has a sensitivity towards people being late and changing plans.
You cannot make someone wrong if they don’t know what your triggers are and unknowingly what it is which they are doing that fires the trigger.
So, the point I am trying to make here, is that it’s so easy to fly off the handle and react first and apologise later, but saying sorry is at times not strong enough to fix the break once it has been caused.
In order to create peace, harmony and understanding between you, your partner or a date, you have to help them better understand you, rather than going on the attack.