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dinner on a first date

Dinner on a first date

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I shared a client’s What’s App message (with their permission) with my Instagram, Facebook and Twitter and guess what, a debate got sparked.

Here you go:

 

So it seems that as per usual, men and women achieve crossed wires no matter what age they are. I know we are not in High School anymore, but yet ego, shyness and emotional peacocking seem to get in the way of genuine, authentic, honest communication. 

The story of this What’s App message is as follows….

  • They clicked on tinder – Woo hoo and thumbs up!
  • Important point to mention is that one of his pictures was a topless selfie and the next one a picture of a six pack (no not beer) and it wasn’t even him. Hmmmm
  • They shared some superficial conversation as he wasn’t the greatest conversationalist. He did however ask to move to What’s App in order to not lose connection.
  • Along came the What’s App messages which were no more than an exchange of dates and times. He went straight in for the kill and said let’s meet up and get to know each other in person when you’re free. The obvious back and forth happened and a date was set.
  • Now, as any girl would who hasn’t been instructed otherwise, she asked what the nature of the date would be. Dinner or drinks she asked. His response in my honest opinion speaks volumes as to where his head and intentions are at.

I get asked all the time whether dinner, drinks or coffee is the way forward on a first date, how it will be received as well as what message is being put across. My answer….?

When I have been out on first dates myself, the following has usually happened…

Daytime coffee date = feels like two mates ‘hanging out’.
Evening coffee date = feeling like two mates ‘hanging out’ and a bit of a dull evening on both sides.
Daytime activity date = feels like two mates ‘hanging out’. Unless it carries on in to an evening thing.
Evening activity date = feels fun, exciting and depending upon what you’re doing, a bit flirty (you can allow yourself to get a bit more dressed up of an evening than you would in the daytime and this heavily impacts your mood)
Daytime drinks = sorry, but that’s just a NO. If you start drinking early it can really only go down hill and it has, FAST.
Evening drinks = fun, but unless in the right environment, a bar can be a bit too noisy to have a proper conversation. Also a night full of drinking impairs your ability to have clarity of thought and whilst flirting will be on the increase, your moral code of conduct will be on the decrease and regret will set in come the following day for things that have been said or done.

Daytime meal = feels like two mates ‘hanging out’.
Evening meal = feels exciting. WHY? Because he will most likely have put thought in to where to take you and that says a lot about his character and the message he is trying to convey to you about who he is and how he treats a lady. He may have asked you questions about food preferences / allergies and this is where he can put that information to good use and show that he’s been listening. It’s an opportunity to have an experience together, your first shared experience. It’s an opportunity to try a new area. It’s an opportunity to get dressed up (have I mentioned that a woman likes to dress up and that it aids in her ability to feel sexy in that situation :O) ). It’s grown up! Most importantly IT’S GROWN UP!  Yes I did just mean to repeat myself.

Before I continue, this is not a one sided thing and I shall balance out this thought process shortly.

Men you want to really make sure your intentions are clear to a woman when asking her out on a date. For example, if you create an environment that is fuelled by alcohol or resembles a friendly hang out in any way, then guess what, she’s not really going to take you that seriously no matter how much you profess that you are looking for the real deal. She will most likely assume that you are going along the friends with benefits route.

Now, ladies, you have a duty to play in all this IF you want the right kind of guy to ask you out and indeed provide you with a date that screams out HEY LADY I’M SERIOUS AND LOOKING FOR A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP.

So, ladies if you spend time in the pre talk reeling off all the restaurants you have been to or frequent, how is a guy meant to show up feeling like he can impress you and show you a good time? It will make him feel like he is competing with ex’s in some way or that you are hard to please. FYI guys know that when a woman has been to a lot of restaurants, it’s most likely been through dating!

When a woman sits in her most feminine power, is relaxed and let’s the man be the man, guess what… he shows up as a man. When you get all demanding or brag about how you have been treated like royalty previously, it’s very unattractive and the guy will think that you are high maintenance. Or, possibly that you are one of those women who is out for a FREE MEAL. A high maintenance woman gets treated in one of two ways: tested or used. Rarely does she get snapped up and put on a pedestal.

So in order to get what you want and avoid a disaster date you need to do the following:

  1. Be absolutely honest and clear as to what you want and your intentions. Don’t lead someone on!
  2. Make sure that you have a chat for at least 10 minutes on the phone to make sure that this person is able to hold a conversation, doesn’t sound like Pee Wee Herman or Janice from Friends if that’s not your thing. I mean a date with an inaudible voice isn’t going to turn you on after all.
  3. Make sure you organise your date as soon as it’s decided that there’s something worth exploring here. Do not start playing message ping pong and become pen pals. This rarely leads to someone viewing you as sexy and desirable. You want to hold back a bit and leave stuff to talk about on the actual date.
  4. Women do not criticise his choice of date place, but if not appropriate, kindly make some suggestions that HE can choose from. Guys, make sure to put some thought in to your date, as this stuff gets both noticed and appreciated.
  5.  Guys make it clear what the date is going to be. You should know that that it will go a long way in your favour to advise your date of the dress code. For example, women don’t tend to wear stilettos if they know a lot of walking is involved. You could end up carrying her otherwise.
  6. GUYS you NEEED TO CONFIRM THE DATE! The day before the date, you need to make sure that you message your date to ask whether you are still on and confirm the details for her convenience. Ladies do not chase him to see if you are still on, if he’s forgotten then it’s his loss. 

The most important reason for me writing this email today is to point out that whatever you say or do at the outset, will create the tone for what’s to come. 

If you have any specific questions about this topic or wish to email me with your thoughts, then as always, I look forward to hearing from you.