Tag

Connection

Why saying no is more important than saying yes

By | Blog post | No Comments

I want to you to ask yourself this question…

How many times have you known that someone or something wasn’t right for you, yet you carried on regardless?

And the answer is…..?

Now ask yourself this…

How many times have you seen someone else bag themselves a great partner, yet you ask yourself why yours isn’t so great or why you haven’t got one at all?

And the answer is….?

The reason why this keeps happening is going to shock you because it really is very simple. You said yes when you should have been saying no!

Nearly every person I meet finds themselves in this same situation because they wanted to put faith in someone or what that someone they said could offer them. The truth of the matter is, if you know your value system inside out (your negotiables and nonnegotiables) then you will find it much easier to say no when someone or something presents itself, which sadly isn’t aligned with that which you know deep down inside is what you are looking for.

Moreover, it is THE most empowering feeling when you walk away from something because you actually listened to yourself first and weren’t being swayed by a situation which somehow just didn’t sit right with you. Your gut instinct is your body’s knee jerk reaction to something which isn’t aligned with you and it is so important to question it and then act accordingly. Not act first and think later, because damage control is harder than prevention.

And besides, who wants to get locked into any sort of relationship with anyone who doesn’t meet what your heart is truly yearning for. By taking that option your blinkers go on and it becomes much harder to see what else is out there and what could quite possibly be staring you in the face.

If you want to know how to devise your list of values, then either a chat with me or enrolling on my course is all that you will need to get the clarity to make the decisions which serve you best.

Next time you are about to say yes to something, ask yourself whether a no would serve you better.

Are you missing the connection factor?

By | Blog post | No Comments

How often do you meet someone you like, only to feel that there’s no spark or chemistry going on?

I’d be lying if I said that NEVER happened to me, but I have now learnt how to work on the things which bother me most. I take steps to change the things I can and have come to accept the things I can’t.

Did you know that there’s a strong correlation between the way we perceive ourselves to be and the amount of time we invest in nurturing ourselves? It’s so easy to be down about something which you are personally not happy about and then reach for a beanie hat in order to get comfy and hide, down some wine or even gorge on some naughties, but none of those things will get you any closer to looking and feeling your best.

The more effort you put into a routine or activities that make you feel more happy, confident, attractive and sexy, the more you will exude that energy. In doing so, you will find that you have created a magnetic field around you which helps you get noticed because you are now less self-conscious, your happiness levels will rise as a result and in turn, your ability to connect with people will be enhanced too.

Happiness and confidence are 2 of the most attractive scents a person can wear!

Happiness and confidence are very much an inside job, but if the inside and outside are not aligned, then people won’t be able to gel with you as easily because they will naturally be able to notice the disconnect between the two.

Ever met someone who you liked, but just couldn’t put your finger on why you weren’t attracted to them, this normally happens when they promote themselves to be one thing, but deep down you somehow notice that it’s a whole other story.

What things are you NOT happy about? What things are you hiding away from? What can you start doing TODAY that will pave the way for a better tomorrow?

Creating change is just like learning how to walk, it takes baby steps. You put one foot in front of the other and you just keep on moving forward. Once you know how to walk, you’ll wonder why you were crawling for so long.

One of the things I do for my clients is to create an action plan around turning negatives into positives and devising how to achieve and maintain these new thoughts, feelings, and habits. If having a session with me to devise that plan sounds like a good idea, then let’s have a chat!

14256212_10157593516895153_811485508_n

How to be the best husband ever

By | Blog post | No Comments

I don’t normally share other people’s stuff as you know, but when I do, you can be sure it’s going to be good!

I was minding my own on Facebook this week, when I came across a post in a singles group that struck a chord. It was so heartfelt and has achieved a massive reaction worldwide from those who have seen it. Therefore, I just knew I had to share it with you too. If it inspired me, then I’m pretty sure it will inspire you too.

Here’s the post, copied and posted directly. The lessons shared in this post apply to women as much as they do men.

I’d love to know your thoughts on this…

Start….

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 37 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had

1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take the time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know if she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams, and visions to work towards.

18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both people’s strengths to win.

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices are governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.

But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it with those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

The woman that told him ‘I do’, and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.

Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

Dating course

How to set the butterflies free

By | Blog post | No Comments

 

I woke up this morning feeling really angry at myself for not being on form yesterday during an interview and after some reflection as to why, I knew I had to share this golden nugget with you because this is so true of dating too.

Have you ever been so nervous or overwhelmed by meeting someone that your mind goes doo-lally and your brain just goes blank?

Well I have, whether on an interview, as proven yesterday, and in the past on dates!

Even as a dating coach, someone who speaks for a living, whether live on radio, on podcasts, to journalists or in front of a live audience, I also get a touch of the nerves every now and then.

It dawned on me that when you place so much emphasis on being ‘perfect’ or ‘on form’, the total opposite can happen. You can be so prepared mentally and physically and then when it comes to crunch time, you just turn to mush.

I was given the opportunity to have an interview on one of THE biggest podcasts yesterday and, with around 2 months to get prepared, I still managed to screw up, by my standards anyway.

What happened?

  1. I got the timing wrong by being an hour early somehow – although that’s not a bad thing, as it’s always better to be early than late!
  2. The mic didn’t work when it came to crunch time, even though I tested it out several times prior – can’t tell you how much I just wanted to cry at that precise moment, as this guy is as much about good sound quality as I am.
  3. Not having everything just so and as planned totally threw me, because I am after all a perfectionist and someone who prides themselves on ‘having it together’.
  4. The host sends you a flow sheet so you know what to expect and despite having read this several times and prepping my answers, I still managed to draw a blank at the outset and then this threw me further for the rest of the interview.
  5. I felt I warbled in parts due to a touch of the nerves and didn’t consistently represent myself as the confident speaker that I am known for being.

I came away grateful for the opportunity, but yet upset by the same token, because that’s it, it’s now done. I don’t have the opportunity to go back and make a first impression all over again. I don’t have control of the content, as it’s not my show, so I can’t exactly edit it to my liking. Moreover, I am now plagued by the prospect as to how it will be received, what will people think and how will people judge me, for what felt like a very poor attempt at giving what I had planned to be a value-packed interview.

So why am I telling you this and how is this in any way shape or form related to dating?

Here’s how…

This situation is so like dating, it’s uncanny!

I’ve been on dates in the past where I have built the person up so much in my head thinking OMG they seem so awesome and/or they’re so hot, I really hope they like me, that I am too focused on that and not really being present and getting a grip.

How many times have you been on a date, where you have been so consumed by nerves that any one or all of these things has happened:

  1. You feel all flushed in the face from nerves, and now feel even more embarrassed and nervous, because you are aware that you look and feel like a hot tomato.
  2. Your palms are all sweaty because you’re nervous, and then you get even more embarrassed in case they want to shake your hand hello.
  3. Your face or other parts of you are perspiring from nerves.
  4. You stutter or stumble over your words from nerves.
  5. You try and have a fluid conversation, but sadly your mind is racing so much that you’re not really able to connect to the conversation, or the words that you’re saying.

The list goes on and on, and you know what: it happens to the best of us!

So what now?

It’s all in the recovery!

I have been weighing up my options this morning, and this is what I deduced after seeing a post on the wall of the host that interviewed me yesterday, from a few weeks ago…

“While one person hesitates because he feels inferior, the other is busy making mistakes and becoming superior.” Henry C Link.

“It’s time to get busy making a mistake.

I make mistakes every day and thrive because of it.

Stop thinking the world is judging you when in reality they don’t care.

They’re too busy caring about you judging them.

Focus instead about sharing your voice, your message and your mission with the world, make mistakes, make impact”

So now I feel a bit better, because you know what, he’s openly admitted on his Facebook and in other places too, that he’s not exactly perfect either. He’s made mistakes and probably still does. He also admits that he’s a work in progress, just like the rest of us.

He could have told me to take a hike, and to either get your you-know-what together and come back and try again, or to just forget it, because I didn’t seem as together and as prepared as I should have been, but he didn’t and the show still went on. In fact, he’s such a dude, that he used it as a learning experience for his audience when opening up the show, and made light of the situation instead. Was he upset or angry with me? Who knows? The point is he still let me have my 30 minutes of fame on his platform.

When I said I’d love to come back and do a follow up, he said he loves follow-ups. Therefore maybe one day in the not-too-distant future, I can redeem myself and give that kick-ass interview I had hoped for yesterday.

The point I want to make is this:

  1. Remember: people are so busy caring about how much you think of them or how you are judging them, to care about judging you first.
  2. No one is perfect and no one has it together all of the time.
  3. If you openly admitted to putting someone on a pedestal which in turn made you nervous, the likelihood is that you would not only flatter, but embarrass the person at the same time, because any decent human being knows that no one is perfect.
  4. Sometimes the way you see and judge yourself isn’t the same way others will. Get out of your head and come back to the present so that you can enjoy the moment.
  5. Whilst you can’t go back and make your first impression all over again, you can always recover the situation or figure out a way to redeem yourself.
  6. If you are on the other end of being with or around a nervous person, recognise what is going on and, instead of getting nervous or awkward, take control and work out ways in which to help them feel more relaxed.
  7. At the end of the awkward moment/meeting/date/situation, do what you can to make them feel like they didn’t just die on stage in front of you, but encourage them forward.
  8. Remember that you too have suffered these awkward moments in the past, so be kind and less judgemental.

And one last thing: s*** happens, so just roll with it, move on forward and most importantly laugh and learn your lessons.

After all, it’s only ever about your perception of a situation.