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Communication

Why saying no is more important than saying yes

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I want to you to ask yourself this question…

How many times have you known that someone or something wasn’t right for you, yet you carried on regardless?

And the answer is…..?

Now ask yourself this…

How many times have you seen someone else bag themselves a great partner, yet you ask yourself why yours isn’t so great or why you haven’t got one at all?

And the answer is….?

The reason why this keeps happening is going to shock you because it really is very simple. You said yes when you should have been saying no!

Nearly every person I meet finds themselves in this same situation because they wanted to put faith in someone or what that someone they said could offer them. The truth of the matter is, if you know your value system inside out (your negotiables and nonnegotiables) then you will find it much easier to say no when someone or something presents itself, which sadly isn’t aligned with that which you know deep down inside is what you are looking for.

Moreover, it is THE most empowering feeling when you walk away from something because you actually listened to yourself first and weren’t being swayed by a situation which somehow just didn’t sit right with you. Your gut instinct is your body’s knee jerk reaction to something which isn’t aligned with you and it is so important to question it and then act accordingly. Not act first and think later, because damage control is harder than prevention.

And besides, who wants to get locked into any sort of relationship with anyone who doesn’t meet what your heart is truly yearning for. By taking that option your blinkers go on and it becomes much harder to see what else is out there and what could quite possibly be staring you in the face.

If you want to know how to devise your list of values, then either a chat with me or enrolling on my course is all that you will need to get the clarity to make the decisions which serve you best.

Next time you are about to say yes to something, ask yourself whether a no would serve you better.

Are you missing the connection factor?

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How often do you meet someone you like, only to feel that there’s no spark or chemistry going on?

I’d be lying if I said that NEVER happened to me, but I have now learnt how to work on the things which bother me most. I take steps to change the things I can and have come to accept the things I can’t.

Did you know that there’s a strong correlation between the way we perceive ourselves to be and the amount of time we invest in nurturing ourselves? It’s so easy to be down about something which you are personally not happy about and then reach for a beanie hat in order to get comfy and hide, down some wine or even gorge on some naughties, but none of those things will get you any closer to looking and feeling your best.

The more effort you put into a routine or activities that make you feel more happy, confident, attractive and sexy, the more you will exude that energy. In doing so, you will find that you have created a magnetic field around you which helps you get noticed because you are now less self-conscious, your happiness levels will rise as a result and in turn, your ability to connect with people will be enhanced too.

Happiness and confidence are 2 of the most attractive scents a person can wear!

Happiness and confidence are very much an inside job, but if the inside and outside are not aligned, then people won’t be able to gel with you as easily because they will naturally be able to notice the disconnect between the two.

Ever met someone who you liked, but just couldn’t put your finger on why you weren’t attracted to them, this normally happens when they promote themselves to be one thing, but deep down you somehow notice that it’s a whole other story.

What things are you NOT happy about? What things are you hiding away from? What can you start doing TODAY that will pave the way for a better tomorrow?

Creating change is just like learning how to walk, it takes baby steps. You put one foot in front of the other and you just keep on moving forward. Once you know how to walk, you’ll wonder why you were crawling for so long.

One of the things I do for my clients is to create an action plan around turning negatives into positives and devising how to achieve and maintain these new thoughts, feelings, and habits. If having a session with me to devise that plan sounds like a good idea, then let’s have a chat!

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How to be the best husband ever

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I don’t normally share other people’s stuff as you know, but when I do, you can be sure it’s going to be good!

I was minding my own on Facebook this week, when I came across a post in a singles group that struck a chord. It was so heartfelt and has achieved a massive reaction worldwide from those who have seen it. Therefore, I just knew I had to share it with you too. If it inspired me, then I’m pretty sure it will inspire you too.

Here’s the post, copied and posted directly. The lessons shared in this post apply to women as much as they do men.

I’d love to know your thoughts on this…

Start….

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 37 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had

1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take the time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know if she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams, and visions to work towards.

18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both people’s strengths to win.

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices are governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.

But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it with those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

The woman that told him ‘I do’, and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.

Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

Dating course

How to set the butterflies free

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I woke up this morning feeling really angry at myself for not being on form yesterday during an interview and after some reflection as to why, I knew I had to share this golden nugget with you because this is so true of dating too.

Have you ever been so nervous or overwhelmed by meeting someone that your mind goes doo-lally and your brain just goes blank?

Well I have, whether on an interview, as proven yesterday, and in the past on dates!

Even as a dating coach, someone who speaks for a living, whether live on radio, on podcasts, to journalists or in front of a live audience, I also get a touch of the nerves every now and then.

It dawned on me that when you place so much emphasis on being ‘perfect’ or ‘on form’, the total opposite can happen. You can be so prepared mentally and physically and then when it comes to crunch time, you just turn to mush.

I was given the opportunity to have an interview on one of THE biggest podcasts yesterday and, with around 2 months to get prepared, I still managed to screw up, by my standards anyway.

What happened?

  1. I got the timing wrong by being an hour early somehow – although that’s not a bad thing, as it’s always better to be early than late!
  2. The mic didn’t work when it came to crunch time, even though I tested it out several times prior – can’t tell you how much I just wanted to cry at that precise moment, as this guy is as much about good sound quality as I am.
  3. Not having everything just so and as planned totally threw me, because I am after all a perfectionist and someone who prides themselves on ‘having it together’.
  4. The host sends you a flow sheet so you know what to expect and despite having read this several times and prepping my answers, I still managed to draw a blank at the outset and then this threw me further for the rest of the interview.
  5. I felt I warbled in parts due to a touch of the nerves and didn’t consistently represent myself as the confident speaker that I am known for being.

I came away grateful for the opportunity, but yet upset by the same token, because that’s it, it’s now done. I don’t have the opportunity to go back and make a first impression all over again. I don’t have control of the content, as it’s not my show, so I can’t exactly edit it to my liking. Moreover, I am now plagued by the prospect as to how it will be received, what will people think and how will people judge me, for what felt like a very poor attempt at giving what I had planned to be a value-packed interview.

So why am I telling you this and how is this in any way shape or form related to dating?

Here’s how…

This situation is so like dating, it’s uncanny!

I’ve been on dates in the past where I have built the person up so much in my head thinking OMG they seem so awesome and/or they’re so hot, I really hope they like me, that I am too focused on that and not really being present and getting a grip.

How many times have you been on a date, where you have been so consumed by nerves that any one or all of these things has happened:

  1. You feel all flushed in the face from nerves, and now feel even more embarrassed and nervous, because you are aware that you look and feel like a hot tomato.
  2. Your palms are all sweaty because you’re nervous, and then you get even more embarrassed in case they want to shake your hand hello.
  3. Your face or other parts of you are perspiring from nerves.
  4. You stutter or stumble over your words from nerves.
  5. You try and have a fluid conversation, but sadly your mind is racing so much that you’re not really able to connect to the conversation, or the words that you’re saying.

The list goes on and on, and you know what: it happens to the best of us!

So what now?

It’s all in the recovery!

I have been weighing up my options this morning, and this is what I deduced after seeing a post on the wall of the host that interviewed me yesterday, from a few weeks ago…

“While one person hesitates because he feels inferior, the other is busy making mistakes and becoming superior.” Henry C Link.

“It’s time to get busy making a mistake.

I make mistakes every day and thrive because of it.

Stop thinking the world is judging you when in reality they don’t care.

They’re too busy caring about you judging them.

Focus instead about sharing your voice, your message and your mission with the world, make mistakes, make impact”

So now I feel a bit better, because you know what, he’s openly admitted on his Facebook and in other places too, that he’s not exactly perfect either. He’s made mistakes and probably still does. He also admits that he’s a work in progress, just like the rest of us.

He could have told me to take a hike, and to either get your you-know-what together and come back and try again, or to just forget it, because I didn’t seem as together and as prepared as I should have been, but he didn’t and the show still went on. In fact, he’s such a dude, that he used it as a learning experience for his audience when opening up the show, and made light of the situation instead. Was he upset or angry with me? Who knows? The point is he still let me have my 30 minutes of fame on his platform.

When I said I’d love to come back and do a follow up, he said he loves follow-ups. Therefore maybe one day in the not-too-distant future, I can redeem myself and give that kick-ass interview I had hoped for yesterday.

The point I want to make is this:

  1. Remember: people are so busy caring about how much you think of them or how you are judging them, to care about judging you first.
  2. No one is perfect and no one has it together all of the time.
  3. If you openly admitted to putting someone on a pedestal which in turn made you nervous, the likelihood is that you would not only flatter, but embarrass the person at the same time, because any decent human being knows that no one is perfect.
  4. Sometimes the way you see and judge yourself isn’t the same way others will. Get out of your head and come back to the present so that you can enjoy the moment.
  5. Whilst you can’t go back and make your first impression all over again, you can always recover the situation or figure out a way to redeem yourself.
  6. If you are on the other end of being with or around a nervous person, recognise what is going on and, instead of getting nervous or awkward, take control and work out ways in which to help them feel more relaxed.
  7. At the end of the awkward moment/meeting/date/situation, do what you can to make them feel like they didn’t just die on stage in front of you, but encourage them forward.
  8. Remember that you too have suffered these awkward moments in the past, so be kind and less judgemental.

And one last thing: s*** happens, so just roll with it, move on forward and most importantly laugh and learn your lessons.

After all, it’s only ever about your perception of a situation.

Are you too busy to date?

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Does the above picture feel like you sometimes?

I recently interviewed a time management coach for my forthcoming podcast show and we discussed the difficulties of dating in a society where pressure is high and time is short.
So, I thought I’d address this head on and offer up some suggestions, as this is a problem which comes up time and time again with quite a few of my clients.

Let’s take Sadie for example, a highly successful consultant in the city. She likes to enjoy the high life, attend a private members club, attend as many social activities as possible both during the week and on weekends, work out and… her commute is over an hour a day each way. She has little to no time to sleep, eat or breathe, yet she wants to find a man.

Her main problem? FOMO!!!

So I said to her, I want you to take your diary for the last 3 months and go through it.

I explained that she should colour code each and every activity outside of work using RED for a must attend, Yellow for optional and BLUE for totally unnecessary and FOMO related.

Sadie likes charts, so even better I thought. I said put all your data in to a spreadsheet and then once you’re done, turn it in to a pie chart. Only once you have a clear visual overview about how you’re spending your time, can you then say whether or not you have no time to date. This goes for everyone! Why not try this exercise yourself?

It turned out I was totally right, a lot of the activities she puts herself forward for are totally unnecessary and FOMO related.

We then looked at how certain activities could be grouped together, like having dinner parties instead of 1:1 time, when it turns out all her friends know each other anyway. Hey presto, now there’s more time available for going on dates with a man and she can catch up with all her friends in one go and so can they!

Then we looked at the time spent in the gym. To be honest, she’s not a gym bunny and she wasn’t really being as productive as she could be when at the gym, despite wanting to keep on top of her figure. So I suggested that she takes up an activity like dancing where most of the people in attendance are single. You not only get to exercise, but you get to socialise at the same time, meet single guys and make more single friends. I cannot stress how important having a group of single friends is to either go out with or in addition, who might be able to make introductions for you.

Then we looked at this calendar of events provided by the private members club. Yes it’s a great opportunity to socialise, but why not invite a date to join you or your friends for that matter. Kills 2 birds with one stone as they say. Events and activities should start to become more inclusive and less exclusive, so that you are now freeing up more time for yourself and the things which matter.

Remember, socialising is great, but you mustn’t neglect yourself either. Factoring in some ‘me time’ is just as crucial to your dating success as going on dates. More on this later….

Now there’s the commute. Thanks to wifi on the trains these days, there is no reason she can’t shave off a couple of hours from her work day, by either creating to-do lists for the day ahead so she becomes more productive at work, meaning less time pulling a late one here and there. Or, if material has to be read, emails need to be sent etc, this can all now be done on the train.

The list goes on, it’s all a matter of perspective and becoming a more productive individual. Seeing how activities can be swapped around to incorporate friends or dates will free up a multitude of time.

Another point to mention is running errands. Make sure you do the ones which are all grouped in the same location, especially if they’re not urgent, so as not to waste time commuting between point A and point B.

The buzzword here seems to be grouping. Get more organised with your time, be honest about what activities can be done away with and you’ll soon be able to make space for the things and people which are a priority for you.

As a result of reevaluating the way you spend your time, you will see that you have more hours in the day to play with, both during the week and at weekends. Time spent will feel more valuable because you will cherish the space you have made given YOU have chosen to spend it with people who mater, doing things which you enjoy.

People, and the activities you enjoy, DO NOT need to be mutually exclusive and there is a way to combine the two if you come from a new perspective.

If you need some help reevaluating how you spend your time so that you have more space to date and do the things which matter to you, then let’s talk. The last thing anyone wants is to either be clock watching or feel like they’re having to be squeezed in to someone’s busy schedule.

The truth is, no one wants to date a busy person no matter how hot you are! But, you can still be busy without being manic – that’s the key!

In a relationship we all want to be made to feel like a priority. That doesn’t mean living in each other’s pockets, but it does mean that your partner is there to show up for you both emotionally and physically and that you do not have to vie for their attention.

Should distance stand in the way of dating?

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This week’s question comes from Robert and he asks:

If you want to find someone, why not look outside of your immediate catchment area? However, why is it that everyone demands that you date locally?

As always, great question!

I totally understand your frustration. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking as ‘they say’ and it certainly doesn’t know where you live, that’s why to be successful at meeting someone most suitable for you, you need to be as openminded as possible.

Society in general is running at a faster page than usual with higher social and financial demands on the increase, therefore most – not all – like to reduce the amount of stress and demand placed on them.

Allow me to share my story…

About 10 years ago now I was dating long distance between London and Canada. Every few months one of us flew to see the other. I think it cost us each around £1500 or so a trip and this is back when flights were cheaper. There was a constant pressure to have a good time and to be on our best behaviour, because we wanted to make the most of each other when we got the chance to do so. The pressure of maintaining a happy status when we were together took its toll and so did the financial demand it caused. I did end up moving to Canada to give our future together the best shot at working out, but not everyone has that luxury or the flexibility to do so.

So why am I telling you this?

Well, when you are short on time and finances, travelling more than an hour or so to see someone can sometimes be strain, so the thought of dating in another city or country, normally puts off even the most positive of enthusiasts. Then you start to factor in the costs of petrol, trains and planes and it can really become a daunting thought all together. Not impossible, but on the most part, daunting.

Every person and situation is different, so my advice would be this…

If you are open to dating further afield, you will most certainly be opening up the possibilities to finding love at an accelerated pace. However, if the other person is very much settled where they are, then be prepared to make the extra effort and to be the one to move should things progress. If you are not able to move, then you owe it to yourself and the other person to be honest at the outset and if the situation is not feasible, to try and date more locally within a more manageable radius for you.

It’s always preferable to be able to pick up the phone to someone we love and care about and say are you free tonight, see you in an hour? Rather than, I love you and miss you and I can’t wait to see you in 3 months.

You have to do what’s right for you, your circumstances and for the success of the relationship. It will always come down to being open, honest, flexible and accommodating.

Robert, I hope this goes some way to answering your question.

Finding love is so much easier than you think. You just need your own set of ingredients and a manageable recipe to follow and that is my gift to you.

If you have a question for me, you can ask me here.

The power of words

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So, this past week I have had some interesting encounters and I wanted to share a concept with you.

 

image

 

Does that make sense to you at all?

If not, fear not…

Often times, we speak first and think later. Whilst the word sorry is great for back pedalling our way out of first having put our foot in our mouths, it doesn’t always cut it and your words can come back to haunt you in more ways than one.

So how can we combat the foot in mouth problem to start with?

Well, here’s my process for thinking before speaking:

  • First, don’t react right away
  • Take a deep breath
  • Then, sit back and with a cool, calm head on those shoulders of yours, ask yourself, how what was just said or done made you feel
  • Then ask yourself, why it made you feel that way.  The reason for this is, because sometimes when emotions arise it’s actually past emotions which are surfacing from whatever is taking place and it’s not the present that is causing you the real upset

Let me give you an example..

Jess was looking forward to seeing Dan on Monday night having planned this over a week ago. Dan tells Jess that his plans are running on and he’s going to be late. (By the way, Dan is never able to keep to the times arranged). Jess then feels devalued and taken for granted because she is now waiting around for Dan, yet again. Jess then reacts by saying, that she’s disappointed that their time will be cut short again after very much looking forward to seeing him. Dan then replies instantly with I’m busy, let’s just cancel tonight.

** Men don’t like to feel like they are letting you down and moreover, they don’t like to be nagged. Women on the other hand, like good manners and to feel appreciated and valued. **

The obvious response by most, is to react and play the blame game. However, despite Dan’s continued lateness for dates, Jess still sticks around having come to understand that this is his pattern.

So therefore, what Jess can’t do, is take out her real frustrations on Dan, because Jess has issues about people being late and this hurts her at the core. So what she must do here, is first explain to Dan that she understands he has business meetings which can run over and that she was hoping to get to spend some quality time together. She can also say that she is feeling a little hurt by his continued lateness for dates and as a result takes this quite personally as she has a sensitivity towards people being late and changing plans.

You cannot make someone wrong if they don’t know what your triggers are and unknowingly what it is which they are doing that fires the trigger.

So, the point I am trying to make here, is that it’s so easy to fly off the handle and react first and apologise later, but saying sorry is at times not strong enough to fix the break once it has been caused.

In order to create peace, harmony and understanding between you, your partner or a date, you have to help them better understand you, rather than going on the attack.

Podcast

We need to bring your sexy back

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Yes, I know, the headline is a little bit weird, and how on earth can it be related to dating? Trust me: it so is….

So last week, when I was getting ready to go to the gym, I had run out of gym socks as they happened to be everywhere else – except in my sock drawer. So I decided to break open a new packet of socks that had been sat there, waiting to be used.  They were soft, vibrant in colour and had that new feel to them. When I put them on I felt my feet enveloped in softness and it felt truly amazing. As soon as I put my trainers on I felt a difference in how it felt to walk in these new socks. Just this small everyday thing that we take for granted brought a smile to my face and that’s when I had the ‘aha’ moment and knew I had to write this post.

I remember reading a few years ago the importance of our underwear, something that most of us take for granted. We are forever applying external embellishment in the form of makeup, hair styling, clothes and accessories and yet somehow, we always tend to forget to nurture what’s beneath the surface.

Ladies, if you’re not doing it already, then cast your mind back to the time when you wore matching underwear as opposed to mismatching underwear, which left you feeling like a student. Didn’t it feel good to look in the mirror and see yourself in your lace bra and panties, or your colour co-ordinated set? It makes you feel so sexy and attractive when you wear the right undergarments. Wearing nice undies, you feel even better when it comes to putting your clothes on, because you know underneath all that, you’re looking hot.

Gents, how many types and pairs of underwear do you own? How much time do you take in making sure your undies look and feel good on you? How much attention have you paid to the fraying on the seams, yet continue to wear old faithful anyway? How does that make you feel wearing pants that are age old and look it? Does it make you feel sexy and empowered? I’m guessing that it doesn’t. Picture this, you’re on a hot date, and it comes to dropping your pants, and only then you realise that you’re wearing underwear that’s hardly Calvin Klein; it’ll be a total mood killer for the both of you.

Before you think I am trying to compete with Fifty Shades here, believe me I’m not!!

The reason I am telling you this is because when you meet people while merely going about your everyday business, and you are wearing decent undies, you will carry a heightened air of sexual confidence about you, because you know you’re looking and feeling good underneath all the exterior embellishment. I cannot stress enough how looking good really does come from feeling good and feeling good comes from within. Masking your low emotions with external embellishment only goes so far.

The point is, you to start working on yourself from the inside out. Lets work together one layer at a time:

Here’s an exercise to try:

Ladies: Find a time to go through your drawer and park all your ill-fitting bras and pants and, once you have done that, assess whether you have any matching sets amongst the remainder, and get them paired up. Any missing tops or bottoms can be bought and if things aren’t fitting quite right, then there’s no time like the present to go and get measured up for some new sets. New underwear always feels good and it’s exciting to put it on for the first time.

Gents: Go through your drawer and make the call as to whether you want to hold on to those novelty pants that either don’t fit you, or you wouldn’t want to be caught dead in, let alone caught in by a hot date. Then decide whether some of your undies need to be shown some tough love and need to take a trip to the bin. Be absolutely ruthless and ask yourself this: If I was getting intimate for the first time, or was in a relationship, would I want to be sporting these? How do I feel when wearing these? Anything that doesn’t fit or looks worse for wear needs to be shown the door. I promise you will thank me for it. Again, if it comes to it, treat yourself to some nice new pants that make you feel good.

No one wants to date a student when we hit our adult years, no matter how cute or funny you think your underwear is. It’s all about you looking and feeling hot from the inside out.

So, what new purchase are you going to make this week to ‘bring your sexy back’…?

sexy

Should you go on a second date if you don’t fancy them?

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 I was recently asked ….

“Is it worth going on a second date if you’re not physically attracted to the other person”?

OK so here’s the thing, it really is a different answer depending upon whether you’re male or female.

Let me break it down for you…

The female response:

Ladies, in all honesty, men sometimes stumble on a first date and aren’t great at putting their best foot forward. So, in my honest opinion it’s the kindest thing to give them a second chance, especially if there isn’t anything about them that’s too awful. If it’s just a matter of lacking chemistry, well that can come in time if there are other redeeming features.

It’s a known fact that ladies fall in love between the ears and the physical side of things takes a back seat in some ways, that is until chemistry has been ascertained.

The next time you meet him, you may well find that he’s more relaxed around you and the energy between you shifts to a whole other level.

The male response:

Guys, let’s get real shall we? Men fall in love with their eyes and so if one look at your date leaves you feeling a tad under par, then really what’s the point, because she’s not going to grow long hair over night, turn blonde, become a supermodel right before your eyes or be playing with her assets to get them to reflect a certain ‘norm’.

Just like I said for the ladies, if it’s really that bad for you and any thought of sexual chemistry puts you off, then it’s best to leave it and not try to force the matter. It’ll be be the kinder option for the both of you.

At the end of the day if you have to really force the issue or work hard to convince yourself that you ought to give this person another shot, then it’s truly not a good sign at all.

I would revert back to your values, negotiables and non negotiables and be clearer about what you’re looking for before accepting a date, so as not to put either of you in an awkward position.

If you are yet to figure out your values, negotiables and non negotiables, then fear not because a session with me or indeed purchasing my course will give you all the clarity you need. Course details coming up soon!

I hope that goes someway to helping you, should you be faced with this situation again in the future.

Dinner on a first date

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I shared a client’s What’s App message (with their permission) with my Instagram, Facebook and Twitter and guess what, a debate got sparked.

Here you go:

 

So it seems that as per usual, men and women achieve crossed wires no matter what age they are. I know we are not in High School anymore, but yet ego, shyness and emotional peacocking seem to get in the way of genuine, authentic, honest communication. 

The story of this What’s App message is as follows….

  • They clicked on tinder – Woo hoo and thumbs up!
  • Important point to mention is that one of his pictures was a topless selfie and the next one a picture of a six pack (no not beer) and it wasn’t even him. Hmmmm
  • They shared some superficial conversation as he wasn’t the greatest conversationalist. He did however ask to move to What’s App in order to not lose connection.
  • Along came the What’s App messages which were no more than an exchange of dates and times. He went straight in for the kill and said let’s meet up and get to know each other in person when you’re free. The obvious back and forth happened and a date was set.
  • Now, as any girl would who hasn’t been instructed otherwise, she asked what the nature of the date would be. Dinner or drinks she asked. His response in my honest opinion speaks volumes as to where his head and intentions are at.

I get asked all the time whether dinner, drinks or coffee is the way forward on a first date, how it will be received as well as what message is being put across. My answer….?

When I have been out on first dates myself, the following has usually happened…

Daytime coffee date = feels like two mates ‘hanging out’.
Evening coffee date = feeling like two mates ‘hanging out’ and a bit of a dull evening on both sides.
Daytime activity date = feels like two mates ‘hanging out’. Unless it carries on in to an evening thing.
Evening activity date = feels fun, exciting and depending upon what you’re doing, a bit flirty (you can allow yourself to get a bit more dressed up of an evening than you would in the daytime and this heavily impacts your mood)
Daytime drinks = sorry, but that’s just a NO. If you start drinking early it can really only go down hill and it has, FAST.
Evening drinks = fun, but unless in the right environment, a bar can be a bit too noisy to have a proper conversation. Also a night full of drinking impairs your ability to have clarity of thought and whilst flirting will be on the increase, your moral code of conduct will be on the decrease and regret will set in come the following day for things that have been said or done.

Daytime meal = feels like two mates ‘hanging out’.
Evening meal = feels exciting. WHY? Because he will most likely have put thought in to where to take you and that says a lot about his character and the message he is trying to convey to you about who he is and how he treats a lady. He may have asked you questions about food preferences / allergies and this is where he can put that information to good use and show that he’s been listening. It’s an opportunity to have an experience together, your first shared experience. It’s an opportunity to try a new area. It’s an opportunity to get dressed up (have I mentioned that a woman likes to dress up and that it aids in her ability to feel sexy in that situation :O) ). It’s grown up! Most importantly IT’S GROWN UP!  Yes I did just mean to repeat myself.

Before I continue, this is not a one sided thing and I shall balance out this thought process shortly.

Men you want to really make sure your intentions are clear to a woman when asking her out on a date. For example, if you create an environment that is fuelled by alcohol or resembles a friendly hang out in any way, then guess what, she’s not really going to take you that seriously no matter how much you profess that you are looking for the real deal. She will most likely assume that you are going along the friends with benefits route.

Now, ladies, you have a duty to play in all this IF you want the right kind of guy to ask you out and indeed provide you with a date that screams out HEY LADY I’M SERIOUS AND LOOKING FOR A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP.

So, ladies if you spend time in the pre talk reeling off all the restaurants you have been to or frequent, how is a guy meant to show up feeling like he can impress you and show you a good time? It will make him feel like he is competing with ex’s in some way or that you are hard to please. FYI guys know that when a woman has been to a lot of restaurants, it’s most likely been through dating!

When a woman sits in her most feminine power, is relaxed and let’s the man be the man, guess what… he shows up as a man. When you get all demanding or brag about how you have been treated like royalty previously, it’s very unattractive and the guy will think that you are high maintenance. Or, possibly that you are one of those women who is out for a FREE MEAL. A high maintenance woman gets treated in one of two ways: tested or used. Rarely does she get snapped up and put on a pedestal.

So in order to get what you want and avoid a disaster date you need to do the following:

  1. Be absolutely honest and clear as to what you want and your intentions. Don’t lead someone on!
  2. Make sure that you have a chat for at least 10 minutes on the phone to make sure that this person is able to hold a conversation, doesn’t sound like Pee Wee Herman or Janice from Friends if that’s not your thing. I mean a date with an inaudible voice isn’t going to turn you on after all.
  3. Make sure you organise your date as soon as it’s decided that there’s something worth exploring here. Do not start playing message ping pong and become pen pals. This rarely leads to someone viewing you as sexy and desirable. You want to hold back a bit and leave stuff to talk about on the actual date.
  4. Women do not criticise his choice of date place, but if not appropriate, kindly make some suggestions that HE can choose from. Guys, make sure to put some thought in to your date, as this stuff gets both noticed and appreciated.
  5.  Guys make it clear what the date is going to be. You should know that that it will go a long way in your favour to advise your date of the dress code. For example, women don’t tend to wear stilettos if they know a lot of walking is involved. You could end up carrying her otherwise.
  6. GUYS you NEEED TO CONFIRM THE DATE! The day before the date, you need to make sure that you message your date to ask whether you are still on and confirm the details for her convenience. Ladies do not chase him to see if you are still on, if he’s forgotten then it’s his loss. 

The most important reason for me writing this email today is to point out that whatever you say or do at the outset, will create the tone for what’s to come. 

If you have any specific questions about this topic or wish to email me with your thoughts, then as always, I look forward to hearing from you.