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We need to bring your sexy back

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Yes, I know, the headline is a little bit weird, and how on earth can it be related to dating? Trust me: it so is….

So last week, when I was getting ready to go to the gym, I had run out of gym socks as they happened to be everywhere else – except in my sock drawer. So I decided to break open a new packet of socks that had been sat there, waiting to be used.  They were soft, vibrant in colour and had that new feel to them. When I put them on I felt my feet enveloped in softness and it felt truly amazing. As soon as I put my trainers on I felt a difference in how it felt to walk in these new socks. Just this small everyday thing that we take for granted brought a smile to my face and that’s when I had the ‘aha’ moment and knew I had to write this post.

I remember reading a few years ago the importance of our underwear, something that most of us take for granted. We are forever applying external embellishment in the form of makeup, hair styling, clothes and accessories and yet somehow, we always tend to forget to nurture what’s beneath the surface.

Ladies, if you’re not doing it already, then cast your mind back to the time when you wore matching underwear as opposed to mismatching underwear, which left you feeling like a student. Didn’t it feel good to look in the mirror and see yourself in your lace bra and panties, or your colour co-ordinated set? It makes you feel so sexy and attractive when you wear the right undergarments. Wearing nice undies, you feel even better when it comes to putting your clothes on, because you know underneath all that, you’re looking hot.

Gents, how many types and pairs of underwear do you own? How much time do you take in making sure your undies look and feel good on you? How much attention have you paid to the fraying on the seams, yet continue to wear old faithful anyway? How does that make you feel wearing pants that are age old and look it? Does it make you feel sexy and empowered? I’m guessing that it doesn’t. Picture this, you’re on a hot date, and it comes to dropping your pants, and only then you realise that you’re wearing underwear that’s hardly Calvin Klein; it’ll be a total mood killer for the both of you.

Before you think I am trying to compete with Fifty Shades here, believe me I’m not!!

The reason I am telling you this is because when you meet people while merely going about your everyday business, and you are wearing decent undies, you will carry a heightened air of sexual confidence about you, because you know you’re looking and feeling good underneath all the exterior embellishment. I cannot stress enough how looking good really does come from feeling good and feeling good comes from within. Masking your low emotions with external embellishment only goes so far.

The point is, you to start working on yourself from the inside out. Lets work together one layer at a time:

Here’s an exercise to try:

Ladies: Find a time to go through your drawer and park all your ill-fitting bras and pants and, once you have done that, assess whether you have any matching sets amongst the remainder, and get them paired up. Any missing tops or bottoms can be bought and if things aren’t fitting quite right, then there’s no time like the present to go and get measured up for some new sets. New underwear always feels good and it’s exciting to put it on for the first time.

Gents: Go through your drawer and make the call as to whether you want to hold on to those novelty pants that either don’t fit you, or you wouldn’t want to be caught dead in, let alone caught in by a hot date. Then decide whether some of your undies need to be shown some tough love and need to take a trip to the bin. Be absolutely ruthless and ask yourself this: If I was getting intimate for the first time, or was in a relationship, would I want to be sporting these? How do I feel when wearing these? Anything that doesn’t fit or looks worse for wear needs to be shown the door. I promise you will thank me for it. Again, if it comes to it, treat yourself to some nice new pants that make you feel good.

No one wants to date a student when we hit our adult years, no matter how cute or funny you think your underwear is. It’s all about you looking and feeling hot from the inside out.

So, what new purchase are you going to make this week to ‘bring your sexy back’…?

sexy

Should you go on a second date if you don’t fancy them?

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 I was recently asked ….

“Is it worth going on a second date if you’re not physically attracted to the other person”?

OK so here’s the thing, it really is a different answer depending upon whether you’re male or female.

Let me break it down for you…

The female response:

Ladies, in all honesty, men sometimes stumble on a first date and aren’t great at putting their best foot forward. So, in my honest opinion it’s the kindest thing to give them a second chance, especially if there isn’t anything about them that’s too awful. If it’s just a matter of lacking chemistry, well that can come in time if there are other redeeming features.

It’s a known fact that ladies fall in love between the ears and the physical side of things takes a back seat in some ways, that is until chemistry has been ascertained.

The next time you meet him, you may well find that he’s more relaxed around you and the energy between you shifts to a whole other level.

The male response:

Guys, let’s get real shall we? Men fall in love with their eyes and so if one look at your date leaves you feeling a tad under par, then really what’s the point, because she’s not going to grow long hair over night, turn blonde, become a supermodel right before your eyes or be playing with her assets to get them to reflect a certain ‘norm’.

Just like I said for the ladies, if it’s really that bad for you and any thought of sexual chemistry puts you off, then it’s best to leave it and not try to force the matter. It’ll be be the kinder option for the both of you.

At the end of the day if you have to really force the issue or work hard to convince yourself that you ought to give this person another shot, then it’s truly not a good sign at all.

I would revert back to your values, negotiables and non negotiables and be clearer about what you’re looking for before accepting a date, so as not to put either of you in an awkward position.

If you are yet to figure out your values, negotiables and non negotiables, then fear not because a session with me or indeed purchasing my course will give you all the clarity you need. Course details coming up soon!

I hope that goes someway to helping you, should you be faced with this situation again in the future.

Dinner on a first date

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I shared a client’s What’s App message (with their permission) with my Instagram, Facebook and Twitter and guess what, a debate got sparked.

Here you go:

 

So it seems that as per usual, men and women achieve crossed wires no matter what age they are. I know we are not in High School anymore, but yet ego, shyness and emotional peacocking seem to get in the way of genuine, authentic, honest communication. 

The story of this What’s App message is as follows….

  • They clicked on tinder – Woo hoo and thumbs up!
  • Important point to mention is that one of his pictures was a topless selfie and the next one a picture of a six pack (no not beer) and it wasn’t even him. Hmmmm
  • They shared some superficial conversation as he wasn’t the greatest conversationalist. He did however ask to move to What’s App in order to not lose connection.
  • Along came the What’s App messages which were no more than an exchange of dates and times. He went straight in for the kill and said let’s meet up and get to know each other in person when you’re free. The obvious back and forth happened and a date was set.
  • Now, as any girl would who hasn’t been instructed otherwise, she asked what the nature of the date would be. Dinner or drinks she asked. His response in my honest opinion speaks volumes as to where his head and intentions are at.

I get asked all the time whether dinner, drinks or coffee is the way forward on a first date, how it will be received as well as what message is being put across. My answer….?

When I have been out on first dates myself, the following has usually happened…

Daytime coffee date = feels like two mates ‘hanging out’.
Evening coffee date = feeling like two mates ‘hanging out’ and a bit of a dull evening on both sides.
Daytime activity date = feels like two mates ‘hanging out’. Unless it carries on in to an evening thing.
Evening activity date = feels fun, exciting and depending upon what you’re doing, a bit flirty (you can allow yourself to get a bit more dressed up of an evening than you would in the daytime and this heavily impacts your mood)
Daytime drinks = sorry, but that’s just a NO. If you start drinking early it can really only go down hill and it has, FAST.
Evening drinks = fun, but unless in the right environment, a bar can be a bit too noisy to have a proper conversation. Also a night full of drinking impairs your ability to have clarity of thought and whilst flirting will be on the increase, your moral code of conduct will be on the decrease and regret will set in come the following day for things that have been said or done.

Daytime meal = feels like two mates ‘hanging out’.
Evening meal = feels exciting. WHY? Because he will most likely have put thought in to where to take you and that says a lot about his character and the message he is trying to convey to you about who he is and how he treats a lady. He may have asked you questions about food preferences / allergies and this is where he can put that information to good use and show that he’s been listening. It’s an opportunity to have an experience together, your first shared experience. It’s an opportunity to try a new area. It’s an opportunity to get dressed up (have I mentioned that a woman likes to dress up and that it aids in her ability to feel sexy in that situation :O) ). It’s grown up! Most importantly IT’S GROWN UP!  Yes I did just mean to repeat myself.

Before I continue, this is not a one sided thing and I shall balance out this thought process shortly.

Men you want to really make sure your intentions are clear to a woman when asking her out on a date. For example, if you create an environment that is fuelled by alcohol or resembles a friendly hang out in any way, then guess what, she’s not really going to take you that seriously no matter how much you profess that you are looking for the real deal. She will most likely assume that you are going along the friends with benefits route.

Now, ladies, you have a duty to play in all this IF you want the right kind of guy to ask you out and indeed provide you with a date that screams out HEY LADY I’M SERIOUS AND LOOKING FOR A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP.

So, ladies if you spend time in the pre talk reeling off all the restaurants you have been to or frequent, how is a guy meant to show up feeling like he can impress you and show you a good time? It will make him feel like he is competing with ex’s in some way or that you are hard to please. FYI guys know that when a woman has been to a lot of restaurants, it’s most likely been through dating!

When a woman sits in her most feminine power, is relaxed and let’s the man be the man, guess what… he shows up as a man. When you get all demanding or brag about how you have been treated like royalty previously, it’s very unattractive and the guy will think that you are high maintenance. Or, possibly that you are one of those women who is out for a FREE MEAL. A high maintenance woman gets treated in one of two ways: tested or used. Rarely does she get snapped up and put on a pedestal.

So in order to get what you want and avoid a disaster date you need to do the following:

  1. Be absolutely honest and clear as to what you want and your intentions. Don’t lead someone on!
  2. Make sure that you have a chat for at least 10 minutes on the phone to make sure that this person is able to hold a conversation, doesn’t sound like Pee Wee Herman or Janice from Friends if that’s not your thing. I mean a date with an inaudible voice isn’t going to turn you on after all.
  3. Make sure you organise your date as soon as it’s decided that there’s something worth exploring here. Do not start playing message ping pong and become pen pals. This rarely leads to someone viewing you as sexy and desirable. You want to hold back a bit and leave stuff to talk about on the actual date.
  4. Women do not criticise his choice of date place, but if not appropriate, kindly make some suggestions that HE can choose from. Guys, make sure to put some thought in to your date, as this stuff gets both noticed and appreciated.
  5.  Guys make it clear what the date is going to be. You should know that that it will go a long way in your favour to advise your date of the dress code. For example, women don’t tend to wear stilettos if they know a lot of walking is involved. You could end up carrying her otherwise.
  6. GUYS you NEEED TO CONFIRM THE DATE! The day before the date, you need to make sure that you message your date to ask whether you are still on and confirm the details for her convenience. Ladies do not chase him to see if you are still on, if he’s forgotten then it’s his loss. 

The most important reason for me writing this email today is to point out that whatever you say or do at the outset, will create the tone for what’s to come. 

If you have any specific questions about this topic or wish to email me with your thoughts, then as always, I look forward to hearing from you.